I did start to wonder whether we would ever see my mate Kempy again after he disappeared from the pitch long before Duran Duran and did not find us till just before Corrine Bailly Rae. Poor Dave. Anyone who goes to get cash out and queue for food at the new Wembley stadium – be warned – you may end up missing mega bands and listening to some girl from a TV ad, who did “girl put your record on.” Well she needn’t have bothered. That song always made me cringe.
In fact, the mega bands like Genesis, who opened with an unshaven Phil Collins looking like he just stepped off a 10 hour Megabus coach journey, the Beastly Boys and Metallica made a lot of noise but the crowd really came to life more for Snow Patrol, an impressive Kasabian. an incredible Foo Fighters and even Madonna, who knows how to work 65,000 people with her aching bones.
Many of the others were average to forgettable. What was not quite forgettable was the moment we beamed live to Shakira singing “Hips don’t lie” in Hamburg. The girl next to me, whose hips looked like they may have told a few porkies, was swinging her butt cheeks around so much, I thought if she hits me I will end up in Row V. Whilst she was up, most of the guys sat down for the Pussycat Dolls, singers-stroke-poledancers, but I think they sat for different reasons. In fact some of the singers, like the inappropriately-named John Legend and Paulo-who-the-fck-are-you Nuttini were so insignificant that there was more entertainment watching a short kid build himself a ladder of plastic beer cups to stand on so he could peer over some drunken “rock chicks.”.
We did see Kempy again, although every time we texted him and said we were north of the sound system and waving around the £10 program or our £20 Save the planet T Shirts (made undoubtedly en masse by Chinese sweatshops), a crate of mildly intoxicated Aussies jumped up and down and waved their hands in the air like Chumbawumba had just come on.
Geri Halliwell made an unfortunate appearance but the rest of the Spice Girls were gratefully absent, Chris annoying Moyles, Chris even more annoying Rock and Russell bound to be annoying but actually quite ok Brand also came on to tell us to change our lightbulbs and live in huts.
Al Gore spoke from Washington and thought it wise to make changes to his Tennessee mansion, after it was revealed that his house uses 20 times more energy than the average US home. Good thinking Al. I think we all miss the point some time. Even when they symbolically turned all the lights off at Wembley, everyone decided to film or photograph it, using so many batteries and lights, we could have powered a village in India. I tell you, we will be “offsetting” forever. I just filled the kettle a little more than I needed so I am off to offset. I am going to stop breathing for 5 minutes. If I come back, it worked. If not, it will be me in the live earth, in a bolser wood coffin and paper maché headstone.
